“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the flory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson

Yesterday I bought myself a smash journal for the summer. My journals in the past tend to contain entries the length of short stories, so this whole smash journal concept is kind of foreign to me. (For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, a smash journals is a bled of a journal and a scrapbook. It’s made of scrapbook pages in a spiral-bound notebook and you use it to store things like lists, quotes, pictures, thoughts, letters and so forth. I wish I could show you!).  

Upon buying my journal yesterday, I started really thinking about this upcoming summer. I have so many hopes for this summer and so many sources of nervousness for it too. I’m working at a camp this summer called Forest Home, getting to be part of kids experiencing a real and unique encounter with God. Getting to be an observer and participant in Him changing lives! It’s going to be incredible, but I am so terrified.

Every day I realize something new that will make my nine weeks at camp ridiculously difficult, but along with all of these new deterrents I fall more and more in love with the summer to come. With all of the challenges thrown in, I’m so sure that God’s going to do something crazy, and getting to be part of the plan is one of the greatest honors I can think of. 

Flipping through the pages of my new journal and thinking about all of the memories that are going to be stamped in its pages, it’s hitting me how real this is going to be. There’s going to be adventure, risk, growth, fun, and downright experience!

This is my last summer before I graduate college. I don’t know if there’ll be any time again that I’ll be this free. It’s the last summer that I’ll have the time to give away. There’s no better time to take risks and be gutsy than when we know without a doubt we are answering God’s call. And there’s no longer any time for us to change our minds and put the call off until later.

We’ve got to risk it for the biscuit, and we don’t have nine lives to do so. 

So I’m going to fill this smash journal with every risk I can take, every blow I get, and every win I can manage. And it’s all going to start in 17 days…

Now it’s nothin’ but a mile away!

Let’s see… so far I have:

- dinosaur cape
- Spongebob Squarepants bedding
- turtle backpack
- octopus headlamp
- pirate hoop in my ear
- orange shorts
- super cool frisbee
- neon suspenders
- assortment of unique sunglasses
- photos of my favorite dorky friends
- duct tape
- camera for bear hunting (!)
- a sparkly personality! 

Think I’m almost ready to go! :D

I saw that fact on a Listerine commercial today.

I love it.

:)

If she says something now he’ll say
it’s not true if he says it’s not true
they’ll think it’s not true if they think 
it’s not true it will be nothing new
but for her it will be a weightier
thing it will fill up the space where
he isn’t allowed it will open the door
of the room where she’s put him
away he will fill up her mind he will fill
up her plate and her glass he will fill up
her shoes and her clothes she will never
forget him he says if she says
something now if she says something ever
he never will let her forget and it’s true
for a week for a month but the more
she says true the more he says not 
the smaller he seems he may fill up 
his shoes he may fill up his clothes
the usual spaces he fills but something
is missing whatever they say whatever
they think he is not what he was
and the room in her mind is open she
walks in and out as she pleases she says
what she pleases she says what she means.

Martha Collins 

The past few days have just been craziness!

Friends, roommates, ear piercing, shopping, fight club, unplanned all-nighters, peculiar bonding moments, sad conversations, GRADUATIONS (Yay Anthony and Nicholle!), celebrations, mom, and coming home to San Diego.

We’re SENIORS. Oh my gosh, we’re getting so old.

I think one of the world’s most complicated problems is that we tell people they are wrong for feeling the way they do. Feelings are part of who we are. We can’t make people change their feelings or the way they interpret things. Telling someone they’re wrong for feeling a certain way is the worst thing we can do to them.

I’ve been holed up here, but it’s time to leave
I need to make my move while I’ve air to breathe

We were born with wings
We were made to fly
We were meant to live while we’re still alive

I’m alive and I’m gonna live today

For you, RACHEL SHINE.

Hahahahaha

Well shoot. I managed to go the whole day today without crying and I was thinking in my mind “Mission accomplished!”, but now it’s hit me and it’s only 18 minutes until midnight. So close! Drat.

Today signifies something monumental: progress. Anniversaries can symbolize moments of change in both the best and worse ways possible. Either way, we can look back on the events they signify and see how we’ve been built up stronger, wiser, bolder, more confident, and more determined than we were before. I look back on this year, and it was the worst year of my life, but I have to be grateful for the woman I’ve watched myself turn into, even if there were a lot of dark times that I’m not terribly proud of. This has been the worst year of my life, but also the most transformative one as well. I have direction, purpose, and passion that’s been lying dormant in me for some time.

Of all the things I can say about this past 365 days, I can say that I’ve made progress. It seems like such a small thing to say, but if we aren’t making any progress, what the heck are we doing?

Through all of my tears, freak-out sessions, challenges, and other crap, I’m proud of my journey. Not proud of the loss, pain, or change, but proud of the way that God’s improved me through it all. I’m glad I allowed Him to take care of me and mold me into something new. It’s one of the best decisions you can make.

It’s 12:05AM now, and today signifies something new. Today’s the celebration of healing and the ability to say “I’ve made it through”. It feels unbelievable. 

P.S. Thank you everyone who gave notes, hugs, and flowers today <3 the community God has blessed me with is more fantastic than I ever could have asked for. And to those who have been an encouragement to me this past year, your support has been invaluable to me in a way I can never thank you for. I love you all so much.